a thousand times over

I feel like we’re on a needle and whichever the wind blows is where we’re going. Out of control, but clinging to each other (not literally obviously) hoping we all weather through, together. Some of my worst fears are happening. Isolation from those I love, being trapped in a house that I’m so grateful for, but not with friends, not with people who really get me. The phone has become a lifeline, one that connects me to the world, unfortunately I’m usually the one that’s doing the calling. That’s what it’s like in “normal” life too.

Often I think that all of that is in my head, but to be honest my feeling of connection with the world is really low right now, and I don’t know how to fix it when the phone keeps ringing or the message never gets read. Then on the other hand I do the same thing, and it hurts like hell to think about that, that I am doing the same thing to other people the thing that hurts me the most

I’m doing really well managing my bipolar, I’m trying as hard as I can to manage the BPD, but right now it’s so difficult to distinguish the regular trauma from the trauma that’s building up inside us all ready to blow. So I’m waiting, because we literally only have now. There’s no planning, no scheduling, no seeing people it’s just part of our reality. We wait until it goes away.

I’ve mentioned the human race’s resilience before, and it’s coming to what I would consider the ultimate test, can we walk through this fire together and prevents as many burns as possible? Can we hold hands (again not literally) and make it through masks on and limited social interaction.

The answer is of course we can, but I live in a place that’s far enough from the two hospitals near me I don’t see what’s going on on the front lines. Most people do. Most people can’t imagine the scope of this thing because we can’t really wrap our heads around numbers this large, plus the years of being gaslit and lied to who do we trust?

Humans have done some of the most amazing things, things that our great grandparents and their grandparents would never even dream of because science looks like miracles. For every evil villain there’s hundreds of scientists, for every narcissist theres hundreds of selfless people, for every wealthy person hoarding their money, there are supermarket workers making nothing but sticking with it anyway because they have to pay rent, for every mistake we make as a nation, there’s hope for us if we demand it.

This week has been hard, hopefully tomorrow’s better I kind of need it to be better. Tears are flowing freely now, whenever I think of the people I’m losing not literally but are falling away from me because I’m not good at asking for help at the right time, and when I do it’s already too ugly.

I’m trying to practice radical honesty, I don’t think it’s going to keep all my friends. I’ve done enough shitty things in the past to apologize a thousand times over to so many people, but that doesn’t give anyone any help except the first time. Instead, honesty, and love. I wish I had more to say, it seems like these are diary entries instead of writing prompts that I’ve given myself. I think that’s okay, nothing is normal right now.

stay safe, love each other, check up on your friends, be kind

-river



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