Pebbles

It’s been an extremely strange few weeks, I was sick for two and a half, that made the time pass quicker oddly, even though I was completely miserable

I think the loneliness is starting to get to me, facebook, phones, texting, is no longer working for me. Everyone is feeling it, everyone wants out, out of the house, out of the state, some even out of the country. Everything’s kind of just grey. It doesn’t help that it’s literally grey out. The temperature is nice I guess. I’ve run out of things to do that I can fill my mind enough to forget, even for a moment what’s going on in the world around us. Everything seems like a reminder. Events being cancelled, events we’re all anticipating to be cancelled. It’s supposed to be nice this weekend, hopefully it lifts the overall mood, because I don’t know about you but this is a bummer, not because of the virus, because of it’s waves throughout our country; because there is no clear path, and no clear leadership, and certainty no modern precedent.

So back to me, because aren’t all blogs a little bit selfish? I’ve felt quite the weight lifted when I can back negative for covid. I was thrilled mostly because that means I couldn’t pass it on to my parents, but also because I wasn’t looking forward to whatever the future effects it could have on people who contract it.
It’s so uncertain, if I had an end date, or even a solid metric around when we’d be allowed to start traveling again a little I think I’d be a little less stressed about it.

It’s always uncertainty that gets to us doesn’t it? It’s what encourages mob mentality, and millions of people locked in their homes at least in America, we feel it’s our right to do what we wish.

I used to love being alone for long periods of time, now I’m split between never wanting to leave the house because I’d rather not die, and the itch in the back of my head saying drive away, find a nice place far away and go (with no money, so not a smart move on my part). I haven’t seen some of my closest friends in months, and those who I have seen it’s not the same, far apart and not real contact. I don’t love being alone for long periods of time anymore, in fact I wish I was still sleeping 16+ hours a day, then at least I wasn’t watching time move without me. Now it’s all I can do not to check the clock. The days move quickly but the hours certainty don’t.

I’m constantly thinking about what my world, our world, will look like after this is contained, because it won’t be eliminated until a vaccine exists even then antivaxxers will assure it won’t be eliminated.

My brain is nothing but sad right now, it’s not always like this during this time, but right now I’m restless and the sick part of my brain is telling me my friendships are over, I’m never going to get to do the things I wanted to with my life, I didn’t push hard enough to do the work that I should have to become really good at my craft, or I did and it’s been lost so therefore it’s too late. Financially this is a huge setback, mentally it’s a huge setback after I spent the rest of the year trying to better myself. People older and or wiser than I am have pointed out that the world has had crises like this before and we’ve come out on top.

I have a hard time believing that at this point, the last four years have been an intense spiral, it’s lifted up the rocks of how repulsive some people still think it’s okay to be. We’re watching a slow moving disaster, like the molasses spill in Parks and Rec, “a lot of people very slowly lost their homes”

Maybe it’s my relative youngness, maybe it’s the fact that this is going to be my generations mess to clean up, maybe it’s that no clear end date. My heart is so heavy right now, and I’m trying to avoid it affecting my friends, some of them feel it just as intensely as I do, others are trying to reassure me that we can come back from it. I don’t have that much confidence. I wish I did. I’ve supposedly got my whole life ahead of me but it’s one disaster after another. I know there’s so much time after whenever this is over but I can’t think ahead more than an hour, it’s too overwhelming. Sometimes I can’t even think ahead more than an hour, sometimes a minute.

I will say that the people around, virtually, and literally have been rocks. Well maybe pebbles, we all have some pebbles in our pockets that we tie to our friends and try as hard as we can to keep our heads up and our feet on the ground. I don’t know about the whole ‘we’re all in this together’ thing going around, but I feel it in my community, it’s truly amazing how much of a pick up it is to see a concert online, it will never be the same as hearing it in person, but at least it’s something, keeping us together. Taking us to new places into the living rooms and music rooms and offices of people who want to bring some joy.

I guess that’s a lot, the joy is a lot, the connection is a lot, the art is a lot. So is the possibility of this thing holding us all hostage.

I’m sorry this entry had no real purpose other than to put down how horrible the world feels to me right now, and maybe to give myself a reminder how lucky I have it, both to have a safe place to stay and to be surrounded virtually by artists who are generously giving up their time for very little money (hopefully that’s building for their sake). The world is impossible right now, I’d truly love for it to just be possible, passable, I’m not asking for perfection, just an attempt to move in the right direction.

as usual, stay well, stay away from my mood, love each other
-river

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