Just Some Letters on the Page

It’s been a couple of weeks now, and besides the abject terror and the boredom (which is a truly bizarre combination), it’s been okay here. I try to touch base with my people a couple of times a week, I’m anxious about pretty much everything. I’m sad and angry, and exhausted. I feel like we’re all under water and the universe is deciding whether to jump in and save us or leave us to our own devices. I’m trying to lessen my news consumption, which is going about as well as you would think from me. It’s unhealthy to read all the time, because none of it is good news at the moment.

There’s definitely some silver linings though, living life stripped all the way down makes you really appreciate what you have in “normal” times. It makes me want to hug my friends, it makes me wish that I had given them more hugs when I was still allowed. I’m learning that isolation isn’t as cool as it used to be for me, I used to be really great at staying to myself for long periods of time. Now, I realize that there’s too much life to miss. I’ve seen people coming together in a different way than I’ve ever experienced in my short lifetime, we’re seeing the best and worst of humanity right now.

I haven’t written or done an art challenge in a while, being productive and creative is extremely hard at the moment. I suppose in crisis that makes perfect sense. I’m finding evening writing this out seems so trivial. I know art is not, at the moment it feels so small. As I write that out I know it’s not true. Art has been essential to keeping me and many other people sane during this time. Maybe I feel tiny, there’s this expanse of disaster around me, just barely touching my outer circle right now. I’m holding my breath for it to come down closer, and when you hold your breath for this long it’s hard to concentrate on anything but the pain in your chest.

Often I write these without a significant motive to them, sometimes they’re more for me than for you, my friends. This was one of them. Putting letters on the page is helping me slowly let the air out of my body, allowing me to just take another breath. I think, maybe just concentrating on our next step, our next breath, a phone call with a friend, the shutter on our camera, the way our family laughs, anything that you can immediately see in the future, is probably our best bet.

Our lives have become smaller and more digital, adjusting our expectations to that is hard. My expectation was that I wouldn’t have to put my life on hold again so close to my hospitalizations. I’m working on that disappointment. I can’t promise I’m going to write more, or make more any time soon, I can promise that I’m going to try. Right now my life is so simple, check up on friends, wash hands, go for a walk until my heartbeat slows down, wash hands, hang with my family, and of course, wash hands. I’m working on appreciating all the small things in my life.

stay well
i love you

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