my most regretted apology

there’s something about us
it’s always been a quiet awkwardness
remember that night, we controlled the lights
you controlled the wine
sometimes i still stand in a hot shower
scrubbing your hand prints
off my already fragile soul
i apologized to you that night
more than once
as I climbed from the floor
it was my favorite place
the smells, the always cool air,
the running water
i struggled to stand
weak at the knees
isn’t that how everyone feels?
sorry, i said
you grabbed my hand and pulled me up
you can put your clothes on now
we’re done
as if it were a business transaction
i was not a person
unplug the flash
turn the house lights on
i went outside, hoping it was still freezing
you followed, to keep me company?
i just needed a minute
you still followed
even though i said no
i smoked my cigarette
hoping the toxic air would lead you away

i thought that was great

what

it’s going to come out so nicely

i went home, stayed under the scalding shower
burning off my apologies
burning off the power you had
scalding enough to take your fingerprints
off my neck, off my arms, off my back
i still feel your middle finger dragging across my scars

they’re almost a phantom now
coming back on days when i need to be protective

my most regretted apology

the images were really beautiful

i was a star
until it was over

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: