my most regretted apology

there’s something about us
it’s always been a quiet awkwardness
remember that night, we controlled the lights
you controlled the wine
sometimes i still stand in a hot shower
scrubbing your hand prints
off my already fragile soul
i apologized to you that night
more than once
as I climbed from the floor
it was my favorite place
the smells, the always cool air,
the running water
i struggled to stand
weak at the knees
isn’t that how everyone feels?
sorry, i said
you grabbed my hand and pulled me up
you can put your clothes on now
we’re done
as if it were a business transaction
i was not a person
unplug the flash
turn the house lights on
i went outside, hoping it was still freezing
you followed, to keep me company?
i just needed a minute
you still followed
even though i said no
i smoked my cigarette
hoping the toxic air would lead you away

i thought that was great


it’s going to come out so nicely

i went home, stayed under the scalding shower
burning off my apologies
burning off the power you had
scalding enough to take your fingerprints
off my neck, off my arms, off my back
i still feel your middle finger dragging across my scars

they’re almost a phantom now
coming back on days when i need to be protective

my most regretted apology

the images were really beautiful

i was a star
until it was over

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