Some 4 am ramblings

I am awake, or rather I haven’t slept until past four for days. I am tired and stressed. There are thing happening. At work that I’m supposed to be in charge of and I’m very much have mixed moral feelings about it. I had to put someone on final warning yesterday, and that really sucked. I love managing a shop, but I also have to make unpopular decisions, sometimes a lot. I’ve know my team for the whole time I’ve been working there some were there before me, some transferred from another store. I like these people and I hate that it’s up to me and the GM to decide whether this framer goes.

On top of all that the COVID-19 is out in full spring, especially where I work. I’m not going to lie, like I ever do in these confessional blogs. I’m scared. I had whooping cough my last year of college and since then there has been pretty obvious, but slight lung damage, that’s why I get horrible bronchitis every year, so this is high stakes for me. It’s also high stakes for a lot of people I love in my life. Call me the half glass empty kind of person, but this is only the beginning and it’s going to get ugly

We are not prepared for this, people are buying out all the food. I went to target and walmart yesterday for some last ditch efforts to find food, gloves, and a mask. I can’t call out of my retail job. I mean I could, but then there’s no one to keep the shop running. Of course if I get sick I will put my health first, but there’s A LOT resting on a frame shop managers shoulders. Which is why I have to go in until I show any symptoms. Again, you don’t need to come to Michaels, it is not a pharmacy or a food store. You have the ability to let retail workers go home, we deal with hundreds if not thousands of customers a day. If you don’t come in and buy shit, we don’t have to worry about us catching your gross germs (this applies to every other part of the year too assholes don’t come in when you’re sick.

On a slightly lighter note my meds seem to have almost completely evened me out. So of course here comes the hard part dealing with my issues. I’m having what I like to call a preschool refusal reaction to this “I don’t wanna” but it’s okay, I’ve got a good therapist who can tell when something is too much for me and encourages me to go to another subject so we can return when my heart and soul are not so raw.

It’s a god awful time to be both a high anxiety person with bad lungs who also is a news junkie. I’m waiting for shit to hit the fan. I’m waiting for us to become Italy, no beds, lockdown, singing across the street with our neighbors (here’s the point in the blog where I remind you to be kind to each other, infection has no problem with class, jobs, ethnicity, your skin color
), We did not handle this correctly and our healthcare system is not able to handle too much of a strain on it. Italian doctors have to make the decision if you are too far gone to take a space in the ICU, They’ve switched from civilian style triage to military style triage, go to the least likely to die first, then work you way up to the sickest, many sent home to die.

It’s chaos, be kind.

Unfortunately I was attempting to read the news once a day, but once a day now you miss so much. We are going insane we are panicking, there’s no food anywhere, but hey, at least people are being kind, checking in when they can. Even my customers, which thanks for the caring, why aren’t you staying home?

There are some good things about this though, social isolation is what I do best, I love me some long term not leaving the house (although I do think two weeks is a lot. I’ve got books and art and watercolor, and a lovely rotation of friends I call in the car when I need a break from the CD I’ve been listening to non stop in the car, I mix it up a bit while I’m in the shop thank you Laura Marling and your first CD which I know all the words too and can typically sing all day if I needed to. Side note: you don’t want me to sing even a bit. I can definitely make this work as long as cell reception stays up.

Well it’s now 4 am, I should probably sleep until 6 to attempt to look like a human being tomorrow.

Anyway, don’t be an asshole, don’t come in to retail stores, and wash you’re fucking hands.

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